Friends S07E01

Podcast

Hey, what’s going on?

I found a note on my door, “Come to Monica’s.

Bring champagne and a Three Musketeers bar”?

Yeah, I’ll take that.

What’s up?

• Monica and I are engaged.
• Oh, my God.

Congratulations. Where is she?

I’m engaged! I’m engaged!

She’s been there for 20 minutes. You didn’t hear?

I thought it was a kid yelling, “I’m gay!”

• Can I bring her in?
• Let her stay. It’s sweet.

I’m getting married! I’m gonna be a bride!

MAN: Shut up.

No, I will not shut up, because I’m engaged!

[MAN YELLS INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, big talk! Why don’t you come here and say that to me?

My fiancé will kick your ass.

Come on, apartment 20, apartment 20.

You get her in, you bolt the door, I’ll be in the closet.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Okay, shh.

Okay. Um.

I just want to say that I love you guys so, so much…

…and thank you for being here on my special night.

[CHANDLER CLEARS THROAT]

Our special night.

It just wouldn’t be my night… Our night…

…if you weren’t here to celebrate with me… Us. Damn it!

It’s okay, I want this to be your night too.

To Monica.

Come on, wait, stop it.

• Okay, to Monica. GROUP: To Monica.

Have you decided on a band for the wedding, because I’m kind of musical.

She got engaged a few hours ago, I doubt she’s had time to think…

Speaking of chiming in, remember burning my apartment?

Yeah, you’re on your own.

We should get dressed up and go have champagne at the Plaza.

• Oh, okay! GROUP: Yeah.

I can’t stay too long.

I gotta get up early for an audition. I gotta look good.

I’m supposed to be playing a 19-year-old.

What?

So when you said get up early, did you mean 1986?

You guys don’t think I look 19?

Oh, 19! We thought you said 90.

GROUP: Oh.

• Okay, everybody, let’s go.
• Okay.

Is my candy bar around here?

No, you ate it all.

I was afraid of that.

You know what shoes would look great with this ring?

Diamond shoes.

You’re not getting dressed.

Know what I mean?

Yeah, but I don’t think we have time.

There’s gonna be a wedding.

You’re gonna be the bride.

Two hundred people are gonna be looking at you in a clean, white dress.

Let’s do it.

Chandler, it happens to lots of guys.

You’re tired, you had a lot of champagne.

Don’t worry about it.

I’m not worried. I’m fascinated.

You know? It’s like biology.

Which is funny, because in high school I failed biology…

…and tonight biology failed me.

Check it out. I could play this while the guests are coming in, okay.

[SINGING] First time I met Chandler I thought he was gay

But here I am singing On his wedding day

Phoebe, no.

If you’d let me finish, it goes on to say that he’s probably not gay.

You guys don’t have this problem, you’re made of wood.

• Hey, you look great.
• Hey.

Oh, thanks.

You okay over there?

I don’t know. You know? I feel a little…

You know what? Never mind. I’ll be fine.

Don’t worry about it. You’re probably tired, you had a lot of champagne.

It happens to everybody.

• Hey. Wow.

• Hi.

• Happy Monica’s Night.
• Well, thank you. You too.

Can you believe they are actually getting married?

Well, sure, but I get married all the time.

[SIGHS]

• You okay?
• Yeah, I guess.

Do you think we’ll ever have that?

You mean “we,” you and me?

Oh, no, no, no.

“We,” you with someone, me with someone.

Good, you scared me a minute.

I know. Shake it off.

It’s just because you and I, we were like a nightmare.

[IMITATES SCREAMING]

• No, but there were some good times.

• Absolutely. Like there was…

• Surely you can think of something.
• Just give me a minute.

Oh, well, yes.

• I can think of one good thing.
• What?

You were always good at the…

…at the, uh, the stuff.

Yeah, I…

I was good at the stuff?

Mm-hm. Yup.

I really liked your hands.

• My hands?

• Yeah.

• Yeah?
• Uh-huh.

Way to go, guys.

You were really good at the stuff too.

Oh, I know.

Hey, you know what we never did?

Oh, no, not that.

We never had bonus night.

• A what?
• You know, bonus night.

Two people break up, but they get back together for one night.

One night, just sex? No strings attached?

Yeah, yeah, we never had that.

• No.
• No.

Okay, this is getting a little crazy.

Um, I mean…

…I’m sure it would be amazing…

…but I really don’t think it would be a good idea.

I really…

…really…

…don’t.

What’s up?

What’s up, dude?

Take whatever you want, just don’t hurt me.

You playing a little PlayStation, huh?

That’s wack.

PlayStation is wack.

What’s up with the wack PlayStation, what’s up?

Huh?

Come on, am I 19 or what?

Yes, on a scale of one to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look…

…you are definitely 19.

Come on, really. How old?

Young. You’re a man-child, okay?

Now get changed, everybody’s ready. And please, please, keep my underwear.

• Oh, thanks.

• Okay.

• Joe.
• Yeah.

Uh.

You’ve had a lot of sex, right?

When, today?

Some, not a lot.

The reason I’m asking is because I had kind of a, uh…

I was unable to…

I really wanted to, but I couldn’t…

There, ha, hm.

There was an incident.

Don’t worry about that, man. That happens.

• It’s happened to you?

• Yeah, once.

• Well, what’d you do?
• I did it anyway.

Phoebe, come on, let’s go.

Come on.

Why aren’t you dressed yet?

I wrote the best song for your wedding.

• Check this out.
• Phoeb.

If you get ready now, you can play.

• Really?!
• Yes.

That’s so exciting! Thanks, Mon.

But if you touch my guitar again, I’ll have to pound on you a little bit.

Fair enough. Get ready. I’ll get everybody.

Finally we can start celebrating my…

[MONICA GASPS]

I’m sorry, apparently I opened the door to the past.

Okay, Monica, Mon. Okay, what you just saw…

Can I ask you just a little question? Why tonight?

• What?
• I waited my whole life to be engaged.

And unlike some, I only plan on doing this once.

Maybe it’s selfish, I’m sorry, but I hoped tonight could just be about that.

• Oh, honey, but it is.
• No, it’s not.

Now it’s about you getting back together.

See, you kind of stole my thunder.

We did not steal your thunder. We are not getting back together.

• Yeah, no, and nobody even saw.
• Yeah.

That’s true.

• We just kissed. ROSS: It was just a kiss.

You guys kissed?

What does this mean?

Are you back together? Can I sing at your wedding?

Thunder being stolen.

• Phoebe, it’s nothing.
• Let’s not make a big deal of this.

ROSS: It was a one-time thing. It doesn’t even matter.

Oh, my God.

I cannot believe you guys are talking about this.

Problems in the bedroom are between a man and woman.

All right? Now, Chandler is doing the best he can.

I don’t think that’s what they were talking about.

What a great night. Chandler can’t do it, they kissed.

• What?
• You guys kissed? This is huge.

No, it’s not huge.

People thinking it’s huge has led Monica to believe…

…we’re stealing her thunder, which we aren’t.

We’re still talking about it.

That, and Chandler’s problem.

Monica, listen, listen.

Would you feel better if we stopped talking about Ross and Rachel?

• That would be lovely.
• You got it.

Now, I can pass for 19, right?

Yes, you can pass for 19.

• Really?

• Yes.

• Seriously?
• Seriously?

Seriously, no. Okay? You can play your own age, which is 31.

[GASPS]

I’m 30!

Joey, you are not. You’re 31.

Oh, crap!

So, the Plaza. We’ll get some mai tais? Maybe no more for you though.

You know, I think I don’t feel like going to the Plaza.

GROUP: Why? RACHEL: This is ridiculoust.

I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t. Especially with you.

Pssh. That is wack.

[PHOEBE PLAYS GUITAR]

Yeah?

I’ll play it at the wedding.

Yeah, well, we’ll see if they actually let you play, huh?

They tell you anything you want to hear…

…like, “You look 19.”

Then they just take it away, like, “No, you don’t.”

Monica won’t take this away.

• Wouldn’t she?
• Would she?

Would she?

[SNIFFING]

[GASPS]

You ate my candy bar!

ROSS: Guess who.

Hey.

Hey, I just realized we kind of left some stuff up in the air.

What did Monica mean:

“I don’t want to talk,” especially with me?

Why not especially you and me? We were both kissing.

Still thinking about it?

I’m serious. What did she mean by that? “Especially you.”

• Oh, who cares?
• I care.

And so do I.

I have to talk to her. Will you let me get changed?

Okay, sure.

Am I going to let you watch me?

No.

I can’t believe her. It’s just so typical.

I know you’re upset, but don’t forget there is going to be a wedding.

You are going to throw the bouquet, and then a honeymoon.

• Maybe in Paris.
• Paris?

We will take a moonlit walk on the Rue de la blah-blah-blah.

Keep talking.

We will sprinkle rose petals on the bed and make love…

…not just because it’s romantic, but because I can.

I love you.

CHANDLER: Mmm.

Bonjour, monsieur.

Don’t say anything, you might scare it away.

[KNOCKING]

It’s Paris. Who knows we’re here?

Hi, Pheebs. What’s up?

You said I could sing at your wedding, so I need a small deposit.

• What?
• Good-faith money to hold the date.

We’re not giving you a deposit for our wedding.

Oh, I see.

They break your heart, don’t they?

You know, I don’t really need their permission.

You want to sing at their wedding, sing at their wedding.

Yeah, and if you want to look 19, then you…

You got to do something about your eyes.

What’s wrong with my eyes?

They give you away. There’s too much wisdom in there.

Put some tea bags on them for 15 minutes.

• That’ll get rid of my wisdom?
• Maybe 10 minutes for you.

[KNOCKING]

Give her the deposit, give her the ring. I don’t care.

• Yes?
• What did you mean when you said…

…you didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially me?

What a great apology. And you accept it. Bye-bye.

No, seriously, what was the “especially me” part about?

Let’s just say it’s not the first time you’ve stolen my thunder.

Wha?

Hey, here’s a thought…

Monica, what are you talking about?

My sweet 16. You went to third base with my cousin Charlie.

Ah, third base.

It was all everybody could talk about.

The only reason I did that was because your party was so boring.

[GASPS]

• We had a caricaturist.
• Oh.

[SINGING] Whenever I get married Guess who won’t be asked to sing

Somebody named Geller And somebody else named Bing

Monica, your sweet 16 was like a million years ago.

Yet here you are doing it again.

Oh, I don’t want to steal your stupid thunder.

Why else would you have made out with Ross?

Got me.

Easy, mimey, the moment has passed. It ain’t gonna happen.

It’d be nice if I could have this night.

I never wanted any part of your night.

No one was supposed to see us.

Is that why you did it in the secret hallway, where nobody ever goes?

Uh, Rachel, I’ve been thinking.

I don’t think us getting together tonight is such a good idea.

I’m calling it off.

Way to save your dignity, my man.

Mon, why, why would I ever want to take away from your night?

I don’t know, maybe you feel a little resentful.

Maybe you thought you’d get married first.

Maybe you can’t stand…

…that your formerly fat friend is getting married first.

Oh, wow, that… You know what? That is so unfair.

Now I want to steal your thunder.

Come on, Ross. Let’s go have sex!

I can’t believe you’re gonna have sex on my engagement night.

Well, somebody should.

Look, if we’re gonna do this…

We’re not. She’s just gonna think we are.

I see, so everybody wins.

[KNOCKING]

• Who is it? MONICA: It’s Monica, open up.

Okay, Ross, stop it. Please, wait a minute.

Ow!

Yeah, you like that, baby?

May we help you?

I wanted to say I hope you have sex, and I hope you get back together.

I warn you, the night you announce your engagement…

…I’m going to announce that I’m pregnant.

How is that ever going to happen?

Do you want to know why I was with Ross tonight?

• I know why.

• You don’t.

• Okay, why?
• Because I was sad.

What do you mean?

Look, I am so…

…so happy for you guys.

But you getting married reminds me of the fact that I’m not.

I’m not even close.

Maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better.

I know that that’s dumb, but you were so depressed…

…when Ross got married, you slept with Chandler.

I don’t care, she slept with me.

Anyway, sweetie, I am so sorry I ruined your night.

I’m sorry I almost made you sleep with Ross.

I’m gonna take off.

• Congratulations, man.

• Thanks.

• And Rachel.
• Yeah.

ROSS: What can I say?

You missed your chance.

From now on, the only person who’s going to enjoy these bad boys is me.

[SINGING] We thought Phoebe would leave

But she just stayed and stayed

That’s right, I’m here all night

And Chandler will never get…

Hey, here’s a dollar.

Consider it a deposit. Please sing at our wedding.

• Oh, thank you.
• Okay.

[SINGING] Now who will perform the ceremony?

Who will perform the cer…?

Oh, oh.

I’ll pound on him in the morning.

[English - US - SDH]

(End)