Friends S06E25

Podcast

What? What did you… What?

I still love you.

I know I shouldn’t even be here telling you this.

You’re with Chandler, a guy I really like.

You say he’s straight, I’ll believe you.

After seeing you, I knew if I didn’t tell you I’d always regret it.

Letting you go was the stupidest thing I ever did.

You’re really not supposed to be back here.

I’m sorry. I know this is the wrong time and the wrong place…

…but I had to tell you.

I want to spend my life with you and marry you.

I want to have kids with you.

Oh, my God.

Why don’t they put chairs back here?

I know this is crazy, but am I too late?

Yes, you’re too late. Where was all this three years ago?

I know. I was an idiot.

And I tried to forget you. I really did.

After we had lunch last year, I spent six months in Africa trying to forget.

• What were you doing in Africa?
• Working with blind kids.

What are you doing to me?

Look, I…

I’m sorry, but it’s not gonna happen.

That’s fine. I’ll walk away. And I’ll never bother you again.

Only if you tell me Chandler’s willing to give you everything I am.

Well, he is. I mean…

…marriage is all he talks about.

My goodness.

In fact, I’m the one making him wait.

• You are?

• Yeah.

• Why?
• Why?

Because of the government.

Isn’t it incredible?

Monica and Chandler are getting married.

I know. They’ll be so happy together.

Two best friends in love. How often does that happen?

• Not that often.
• No.

I’m so happy for them.

Me too. So happy for them.

I’m so happy and not at all jealous.

• Oh, no! God, definitely not jealous.
• Mm-mm.

I’m probably 98 percent happy and maybe 2 percent jealous.

What’s 2 percent? That’s nothing.

Totally.

• I’m like 90-10.
• Yeah. Me too.

Hey, have you guys seen Chandler?

No. But you know who was looking for you?

Tennille.

So that marriage stuff you were saying yesterday?

• You don’t really believe that.
• Sure, I do.

In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural.

Look at pigs. Let’s take a second here and look at pigs.

Pigs don’t mate for life.

A pig can have 100 sexual partners in a lifetime.

And that’s just an ordinary pig, not even a pig that’s good at sports.

Wait a minute.

Are you telling me you may never want to get married?

Never say never, but, probably…

…yeah, never.

Oh, my God.

Then what are we even doing? What is this?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is all this pressure?

Is this some new strategy?

Why don’t you put down your copy of The Rules, huh, man-trap?

You know what? I gotta go.

It’s okay. I got a plan.

• We’re gonna find love.
• Definitely.

Yeah, I’m pretty confident about that.

That’s what makes it so easy to be 80 percent happy for Monica and Chandler.

• Would be nice to have a guarantee.
• What do you mean?

Some people make deals with a friend.

Like if neither of them are married by 40, they marry each other.

• You mean a backup?
• Exactly.

Yeah, yeah. I’ve got that.

• You do?

• Mm-hm.

• Who?

• Joey?

• Joey? Are you serious?
• Yeah.

Yeah, I locked him in years ago.

Wait. So if neither of you are married by 40, you’ll marry Joey?

Yep. We shook on it.

Yeah. But believe me, that is not how he wanted to seal the deal.

Seriously?

I think his exact words were…

[PURRS]

Charming.

• Ah, he’s just a backup.
• Yeah.

Hey, Monica.

Have you seen Rachel? Or a mirror?

It’s for my boat. Cool, huh?

Yeah, it’s great.

What’s the matter? Talk to the captain.

Just realizing I’m in a dead-end relationship.

Chandler’s giving you a hard time?

I don’t want to get married tomorrow. But I want to believe…

…we’re going somewhere, that I’m not wasting my time.

• You know Chandler.
• No, I don’t know Chandler.

Not anymore. It’s like something’s changed.

Maybe you changed.

I didn’t change.

Maybe that’s the problem.

• What?
• Chandler is a complex fellow.

One who is unlikely to take a wife.

Does he think I’ll just wait around for nothing?

Face it. Chandler is against marriage.

And always will be.

Well, there’s some people who do want to marry me.

• There are?
• Yeah. Richard.

Richard said he wants to marry you?

• And Chandler says he hates marriage?
• That’s right.

Chandler loves marriage!

You just told me he hates marriage!

That he’s a complex fellow who’s unlikely to take a wife!

That he’s against marriage and always will be!

You got that from what I said?

[KNOCKING]

• Rach.

• Hey, you.

• Hey, come on in.
• Thank you.

I’m so sorry to hear about you and Elizabeth.

Thanks. Yeah, I really thought we’d be able to make it work.

I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

Yeah. Love.

It’s a tricky business, isn’t it?

I guess so.

So, what do you say we make a pact?

If you and I are both single by 40, we get married.

I mean, we know each other, we like each other…

…we’ve already slept together, so there’ll be no surprises there.

No, like, “What’s that?”

• Oh, you want me to be your backup.
• Exactly.

Oh, yeah. I already have one.

• Who?
• Phoebe.

Phoebe?

But she just said Joey is her backup.

Oh, I don’t think so.

I just spoke with her. She said that she and Joey made a deal.

That’s impossible. We have had a deal for years.

We shook on it.

Although, believe me, she wanted to do a lot more than that.

Where have you been?

I was making a coconut phone with the Professor.

Richard told Monica he wants to marry her.

• What?
• I’ve been looking for you.

Stop messing with her!

And I would have if these damn boat shoes wouldn’t keep flying off!

• Oh, my God!
• I know! They suck!

He’s not supposed to ask her to marry him! I am!

• I know!
• What…?

You know what I’ll do? I’ll go over there and kick his ass!

Will you help me?

Look, us getting our asses kicked is not a solution.

Okay?

• Look, just go and find Monica.
• You’re right.

I’m gonna get the ring…

…I’ll go find her…

…and I’ll propose!

Dude! Dude! Dude!

That coconut phone might be good for the boat.

[KNOCKING]

Hi.

I don’t know why I’m here.

I didn’t ask.

You want to come in?

I don’t know.

Oh, okay.

I’ll just leave the door open and go sit on the couch.

Chandler is such an idiot!

Drink?

• Scotch on the…
• Rocks with a twist?

I remember.

• You still smoking cigars?
• Uh…

No, no. That’s art.

If it bothers you, I can put my art out.

No, that’s okay.

So, Monica…

…let me ask you a question.

Since we broke up, do you ever…

…think about me?

Actually, I thought about you a couple months ago.

• Really?
• Yeah, but it’s because I…

…had an eye exam, and I don’t like my new eye doctor.

• Who is it?
• Edward Nevsky.

Yeah, he’s no good.

Do you ever think about me in…

…a non-eye-doctor way?

No.

Ah.

Because getting over you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I never let myself think about you.

[MOUTHS] Wow.

Phoebe, you picked Joey and Ross?

You can’t have two backups!

Of course I can.

It’s just good sense to back up your backup.

• Look, I’ve already lost Chandler.
• What?

Hey, Phoebe!

We’re both backups?

How could you do this to me?

What are you complaining about? You were both aware of the situation.

• I was not!
• No, we weren’t!

This kind of back talk isn’t gonna fly when we’re married.

You can’t have both. Pick one.

• Pick me!
• No, pick me!

I don’t want to end up an old maid.

Well, let’s see.

Ross is a good father.

But…

…Joey has a boat. This is hard.

This is crazy. I want to switch to Rachel.

I want to switch too.

PHOEBE: No, wait! Okay, just wait!

Wait, guys. Don’t make any rash decisions.

Remember my promise:

If we get married, three times a week.

Oh, my God. Phoebe…

I’m talking about massages.

[MOUTHS] No, I’m not.

I know how to settle this. Here’s what we’ll do.

I’ll write “Joey”…

…on one napkin.

And I’m going to write “Ross” on the other napkin…

…and we’ll pick one.

That person will be our backup. Here we go.

JOEY: That sounds fair. ROSS: All right.

Good. Switching them up.

Ooh…

• Pick one.

• Left.

• Thank you.

• You’re welcome.

• Ross.

• Joey.

• We should just switch.
• Absolutely.

I miss this apartment.

Now, this is a grownup’s apartment.

• I should be with a grownup, you know?
• Yeah.

You’re saying you need to be with someone more mature.

Maybe someone with…

…a license to practice medicine.

Or a mustache.

Let’s face it. I’m not a kid anymore.

I need to be with someone who wants the same things.

Coming to my work and telling me you love me, I want that!

Talking about pig sex over lunch, I don’t want that!

I think that’s fair.

Fair? Please. Don’t even talk to me about fair.

Fair would’ve been you wanting to marry me then.

Or Chandler wanting to marry me now.

Believe me, nothing about this is fair. Nothing.

• Nothing! Nothing!
• It’s okay.

Hey. Shh.

Nothing.

I don’t know.

I know.

Yeah, I… I…

I have to figure…

…some stuff, before I can…

Yeah, I understand.

Take as much time as you want.

Ten, 20 minutes, if you need it.

I’ll be here. Not smoking.

[KNOCKING]

• Chandler.
• Where is she?

I’m not scared of you.

She’s not here. And please come in.

Scotch on the rocks…

…with a twist, on a coaster.

Monica? Monica?

Okay, she was here. But she left.

Where did she go?

She said she had to think things over.

Oh, my God. I can’t believe this. I thought you were a good guy.

Oh, hey. Look, nothing happened.

Nothing happened? Nothing? You didn’t tell her you love her?

Well, all right, one thing happened.

You know what you did?

My girlfriend is thinking things over.

You made my girlfriend think!

Well, I’m sorry.

What’s to think about? I love her.

Well, apparently I’m willing to offer her things that you are not.

I’m willing to offer her those things. This was just a plan.

To throw her off so when I offered all these things, she’d be surprised.

If it helps, it worked very well.

It was working till you showed up, you big tree.

This isn’t fair.

You had your chance with her, and you blew it!

This is my chance and I won’t blow it…

…because we are meant for each other.

And this has all just been one stupid mistake!

I was gonna propose tonight.

You were?

Yeah, I even…

…got a ring.

Did you get a ring?

No, I don’t have a ring.

You go get her.

And can I give you a piece of advice?

If you do get her…

…don’t let her go.

Trust me.

You know, Richard, you are a good guy.

I know.

I hate that.

• Dude.
• I’ve gotta find Monica.

She’s gone.

• What?

• She had a bag and she left.

• What?
• She was crying.

She said you want different things and she needs to think.

Why didn’t you tell her it was a plan?

I did! I told her everything. She wouldn’t believe me.

Well, where…?

Where did she go?

To her parents’. She said you shouldn’t call.

But if I were you, I would.

Can’t believe I ruined this.

I am so sorry, man.

You wanted it to be a surprise.

Oh, my God.

Chandler…

…in all my life…

…I never thought I would be so lucky…

…as to fall in love with my best…

My best…

• There’s a reason why girls don’t do this!
• Okay, okay, okay.

I’ll do it. I thought…

Wait, I can do this.

[SNIFFLES]

I thought that it mattered…

…what I said or where I said it.

Then I realized…

…the only thing that matters is that you…

You make me happier than I ever thought I could be.

[CRIES]

And if you let me…

…I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way.

Monica…

…will you marry me?

Yes.

I knew you were likely to take a wife!

JOEY: Can we come in yet? We’re dying out here!

Come in! Come in!

We’re engaged!

RACHEL: Oh!

This is the least jealous I’ve ever been!

Oh, no, wait! This is wrong! Ross isn’t here!

JOEY: Oh. MONICA: Oh.

He’s done it three times. He knows what it’s about!

GROUP: Yeah.

[ERIC CLAPTON’S “WONDERFUL TONIGHT” PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Oh, my darling

You were wonderful tonight

[English - US - SDH]

(End)